artschool girlfriend

Lone Star

Lone star
You’re so far
So good
So tell me all about the celebrated past
So tell me all about
How long you’re gonna last?
- Mirah

The past weeks are passing by too quickly. As the cliché goes, it passes by like a thief in the night. Getting to you and not knowing anything.

I had a plan and I was counting down the days until I get to do it. I was about to leave for somewhere when something big just had to appear in my midst. Something I just can’t say ‘no’ to.

My boss is pregnant and about to give birth in a couple of weeks. It is amazing how women can stick up the big guns, you know? She has been working like crazy, even in insane hours. But everyone knows that she has to have her break, take a leave and have her rest. We were just fooling ourselves into believing that she is Superwoman who can take us to the promise land, but no. She has to have a break. And then the biggest surprise came to my working life. I was offered a once in a lifetime opportunity, to head a big project while she is out.

I am not sure if I can handle a huge responsibility just like that. I could have peed in my pants if my bosses weren’t in front of me explaining what was happening. I would be taking over a big project and I have never been a manager my whole life. I am scared to death that I will fail.

My fears may have come from one incident when I helped out a younger gen of college student government a few years back. My former professor from our college talked to me and compared me with the presidents who came before and after me. She made me feel like the worst leader that ever headed our college. What she said remained in my head, like a little voice reminding me that I wasn’t a good leader.

People had been reassuring me though that they wouldn’t give me the role if they think I can’t hack it. But the way I see it, it’s different. It’s in the different light. I told my immediate superior that it’s daunting. I know for a fact that I am good around people but that does not necessarily mean I can be a good boss, you know? Plus school is different from work.

The big surprise isn’t even a week old in my system and it hasn’t sunk in as well. I would be leading a big project and I don’t know anything about managing. I am deathly afraid that 1) I would get bullied by older people, 2) they would expect so much from me, 3) that they expect that I will be good worse, better, 4) and that I would fail them.

Only a few knows about my dilemma. I still haven’t got the chance to talk to any of my close friends. I’m still in denial that I am about to have a huge responsibility in my hand. What’s eating me more also is the burning question: Is it worth it? Putting my plans on hold for something that I have never done before?

And to have an early taste of managing, I was asked to join a business trip in El Nido, Palawan, something my travel buds and I only dream of going for a time now. It may not be that bad after all…

And I am still in denial.